Tuesday, March 3, 2009 Sibling rivalry is a part of growing upExperts weigh in on why this kind of tension develops among children in the same familyBy ANDREA BOYARSKYADVANCE STAFF WRITER STATEN ISLAND, N.Y. — Sally and Jenny won’t stop fighting over a doll. Tom tricked Sara into giving him money and now she’s mad. Jack and Michael just got into a tussle over a video game. Why won’t your kids just leave each other alone? Experts say sibling rivalry is a natural and unavoidable part of growing up. Dr. Lawrence Balter, a child psychologist and professor at New York University, said one of the main reasons for sibling rivalry is competition for parents’ attention. “I think it’s natural that when you have one set of resources, namely your parents, that the other child is going to be seen as a competitor for limited resources,” explained Dr. Balter, author of “Not in Front of the Children ...” (Penguin Books). One child also may be trying to gain a sense of individuality and feels the other sibling(s) keep getting in the way. Or, noticing a younger sibling is easy to boss around, it may be an older sibling’s way of trying to gain power or influence. “Children feel they are constantly being told what to do,” Dr. Balter explained, so “if they have a younger sib, they can assert their authority and experience a sense of superiority by acting in a controlling fashion.” Children close in age tend to have stronger rivalries. That’s why Dr. Balter recommends parents have their children three years apart. By the time the older child is in nursery school and is more self-sufficient, he may not see the baby as direct competition. However, he acknowledged, this plan isn’t for everyone. The children’s gender often influences how a sibling rivalry will play out, noted Dr. Miles Groth, a psychology professor at Wagner College. Boys, he explained, often will have quick tussles that quickly dissipate whereas girls tend to hold grudges and mentally “torture” each other for an extended period of time. Coming from a household with divorced parents may also intensify the rivalry, Dr. Groth added. Instead of competing for the attention of two parents, it’s just for the one who has custody. Dr. Balter, who occasionally offers parenting lectures in Manhattan, noted that if parents are fighting and having marriage difficulties, it may also cause their children to fight more. They may be imitating their parents’ behavior or be insecure and anxious over their parents’ own rivalry. Other issues such as the number of children, culture and socioeconomic status may also affect the way siblings relate to one another, said Dr. Groth. He suggests parents step aside and let their children work out their differences and intervene only when necessary. Dr. Groth said if fighting persists on a regular occasion, parents should consider their role in it. Children may be taking cues from Mom and Dad or may feel like they aren’t getting enough attention. Dr. Balter noted that unless you see for yourself who the perpetrator of the fight is, don’t take sides. Who you may believe is the culprit could actually be the one defending him- or herself. Instead, take a neutral position. Dr. Balter argues against yelling at kids to stop fighting. Instead, talk to them about how they can work out their differences. “You need to teach children how to be rivalrous in a way that’s constructive,” he advised, noting, “You can have differences in opinion and be angry with a person but not be harmful or hurtful.”
Prof. Groth is expert source for story about childhood development
March 9, 2009
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